I’m going to go out on a very unpopular limb and say it…. being emotionally available isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I mean, c’mon, we’ve all been there. We’re working our tails off trying to get from A to Z, doing too much and feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious. But the goal in front of us is critical, so our determination is at a peak. We’re trying to accomplish something HUGE and potentially life-changing. So, right now, man, I can’t be all you want me to be. And that’s okay.
When It’s Okay to Be Emotionally Unavailable
Now, this isn’t the same as being a perpetually emotionally unavailable person. No, I’m talking about being intentionally emotionally unavailable for a set period. For example, you may need that promotion, so you’re working around the clock, unable to give your partner the attention you normally would.
Or now that your kids are older, you’ve decided to pursue your Ph.D., a dream you’ve had for at least a decade. Or, you could be trying to launch a new business venture. But because you have limited resources, you’re doing everything yourself. Or maybe, you’re grieving a loss or are in the midst of an identity crisis (been there). Whatever it is you’re tackling, you’re trying your best to get to the other side of it.
Resistance to the Idea of Being Emotionally Unavailable
To help achieve your goals, you might deploy different tactics like taking online courses to acquire new skills or asking family, friends, or colleagues for help. You may even be doing something as simple as exercising more, ensuring you’re getting enough sleep, or incorporating a morning mantra into your routine to get in the right mindset for the day. These are great strategies to help you accomplish your goals or get through a tough time. But something we may not see, or perhaps are resistant to, is the idea of purposely holding others around us at arm’s length. Sometimes, even though it’s difficult for many of us, we need to give ourselves space to do the critical work necessary to move forward.
If what I’m saying makes you uncomfortable, I get it. Women especially have difficulty creating distance, mainly because so much is expected of us emotionally. We care for the people we love and don’t want to hurt them. So, how can we shut ourselves off, even temporarily? It seems counterintuitive to our very way of being. But if you think of it as creating emotional boundaries, you’ll see that being unavailable isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you’re honest and transparent in your communication with those around you, taking time for yourself should never be viewed as negative.
What’s the Alternative?
However, in practice, this sounds scary. Being direct and sincere about your needs may not be easy to do. It can be damaging for a person to hear that they’re not your priority at this time. And it can be lonely for both parties, feeling strange to be so distant. You may even consider it to be a gamble. But imagine alternate scenarios if you don’t choose to communicate your need to be intentionally emotionally unavailable at this critical moment in your life.
One— you might be doing it without realizing it anyway. And this behavior, without being self-aware of the problem, may confuse the other person, leading to suspicion and insecurity. Or two—you acquiesce and give the other person your attention. How does that make you feel, knowing you’ve lost some focus on your primary goal? Are you able to be genuinely present with the other person, or are you thinking about what you should be doing? Will spreading your energy thin take you longer to get where you need to go? And if, for whatever reason, you don’t master your goal to the extent you wanted, is it possible you’ll hold at least a little resentment for the other person?
Make Some Rules For Yourself
What you’re trying to achieve right now is too important to you to let anything get in the way. Maybe you need that promotion to pay off your debt. Or now’s the time to fulfill a lifelong dream of returning to school or launching your own business. Or, you’re emotionally vulnerable and need time to take care of yourself. Whatever it is, it’s important to you. So now, this is the time to respectfully bow out of anything that might interfere with achieving your goals. This, my friend, is the moment when you can, without any guilt, politely say, “I can’t give you my energy right now. I need to focus on what I need to do. I am emotionally unavailable to you at this time.”
To do this correctly, you need to put some guardrails in place, so you don’t begin to build habits you can’t undo. Instead:
- Spend some time thinking about what emotional unavailability might mean for you. Be crystal clear on which boundaries you need to create and why.
- Follow your intuition and visualize what your relationships may look and feel like in this new environment.
- If you need to, put some limitations around your emotional unavailability. Remember, this can be something other than an every minute of everyday type of thing. You make the rules. You may only need to create space Monday through Friday when you’re at your busiest.
- Communicate your needs sensitively to your partner, parent, friend… whoever you feel needs to hear them. Listen to their concerns with openness and compassion. There may be a need to compromise.
- When you aren’t hyper-focused on your goal, be authentically present with the people around you. Engage and listen enthusiastically. Enjoy yourself. Share where you are in your journey.
- Check-in with yourself daily. Adjust if you need to.
Being emotionally unavailable will mean different things to different people. For me, it’s simple— I steer clear of any negativity and try to give my partner reassurance whenever I can. Ultimately, he understands that what I’m working towards now takes priority. And fortunately, because he knows this is an intentional, transitory solution, he accepts that this is where I am right now. And of course, he also knows I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same for him if and when the time comes.
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